My Best Friend
I haven't been able to stop smiling since I woke up this morning. It's been a beautiful morning, and I'm really feeling myself. I watched a tutorial and killed it on my makeup, and I even kind of like my hair? I say kind of because I had bangs about a year ago and they're still in that awkward phase of growing out. This is a drastic change, though. I wasn't happy at all this Wednesday, which was two days ago, and I'll tell you why.
My best friend moved to New York City. Now, I know what you're thinking.
Why are you upset about that? You can go visit her whenever you choose.
You have a place to stay.
In New York.
Why you mad, tho?
I know, I know. It's so true; it's what I've been telling myself for a few months now. I've been convincing myself that it's fine, I'm fine, and trust me! I was very, very close to believing it. Until I dropped her off at the goddamn airport. I don't know what exactly changed in that moment in time, but I'm pretty sure it was just my life. Ya know. No big deal. Watching her go through TSA where I couldn't walk by her side any longer broke my fucking heart. I stayed strong, though, and I did not cry. Not in front of her, that is. Not until I started to walk away. I mean, it was almost instant. Tears began to sting my eyes, and I threw my sunglasses back onto my face and proceeded to walk at a really, really brisk pace because I hate crying in public. Once I made it to my car, I started to heave. It was like sadness was just welling up inside of me, ready to explode through the never-ending stream of tears falling from my eyes. I couldn't stop, and I was so glad in that moment that I had to pay for parking using a credit card because interacting with an actual person at that moment? Was just out of the question. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't even handle the truck to the right of me that didn't understand why it was taking me so long to leave. I couldn't handle the sunlight, I couldn't handle the traffic. I pulled off onto Veterans Boulevard and did the only thing I could think to do.
I went to our apartment.
The tears were hitting me hard on the drive over, actually, and some kids saw me in a neighboring car and asked me if I was okay. It was touching, but all I could do was wave my hands in protest and put my shades back on. Oh yeah, and at the airport? Literally RIGHT before my best friend went to TSA, a woman asked me if I was traveling that day. I looked at her like she was crazy. My hair was in a bun on top of my head, and though I was dressed for work (nice blouse, nice pants), I did not look travel-ready at all. I had no luggage, and I don't know, even this simple question seemed to completely disarm me. I knew the tears were coming, but I didn't want them there just yet. I was dressed in yellow in order to maintain the aura of sunshine that I have always been in my best friend's life. The strange lady asked me what kind of material my shirt was made out of. I responded with "...polyester. I'm actually seeing someone off."
Famous last words, I guess.
So I went to our soon-to-be old apartment. God only knows why I went there, knowing full well that there was literally nothing to see. There actually isn't, though. I mean, I have things to pack up, still. They're mostly just things that were left over by the two of us that need to be thrown away, but it was pretty damn empty, otherwise. I kept thinking of that Yellowcard song, "Empty Apartment," and I cried some more. And I took out the trash. And I pulled things out of the fridge and took out some more trash. And then I cried some more. The tears were unlike anything I'd ever experienced. It was almost a panic attack, of sorts, of which I've had about three this year. The first one I had concerned my overwhelmingly persistent single-ness, the second had to do with my owing so many taxes, but this one... This was different. This was a different kind of sadness, altogether.
I've had my heart broken many times. This was worse than that. To say that I feel utterly displaced is an understatement, and I have no one to blame but myself. I've always had friends. I've always had what I consider to be a "best" friend. I've never had this best friend, though. I think her leaving has maybe made her aware of just how special of a person she is, but if not, I'd like to let her know. And I plan to. I plan to speak to her every day; I'm going to bug her in some type of way and blow up her phone. I haven't written any songs or poems about her just yet, but wait. They're coming. Yes, I've always had close friends that have been very, very dear to me, and they've always gotten me through the darkness that is life sometimes, but Diana is very different. Ever since we met, we had this soul connection. We liked a LOT of the same things, watched a lot of the same movies, and we had the same appreciation, nay reverence, for them. She truly is like family to me. To love her is not a choice, it's just in me. I've never met someone else that loves obsessing over royalty and the history of bloodlines like me. I've never met someone else that wanted so badly to travel the world, most especially parts of Europe that contain precious, historical moments. I've never met someone else that practically worships actors and actresses the same way I do, or is as unapologetic as me about their many eclectic tastes in just about everything. Basically, we've just always loved and accepted each other for who we are, no questions asked! And that is why she is so invaluable to me.
I wrote this while on the beach with her the other day, and I'd like to share it now. So here goes. Here's how I really feel about my best friend because I was super in my feelings:
"I have given my time to so many unworthy people in this world, but she has never been one of them. Every moment we share is precious and golden, and I can't say that about many others, in fact... every day, every morning, every night, every minute and every second have been special and meaningful. They've sustained me in my many moments of doubt and unfathomable pain. Never have we ever been unaware of the love we share for one another, and I for one have never been so grateful for another single human being. Not ever. Not even in romantic love because, at the end of the day, this is the relationship that stands. It's outlasted them all. It stands and it withstands everything, no matter how tough. I never have to wonder about whether or not someone loves me because I know that she does. She is my favorite human, my best friend, my special person, and my family of choice. I will never leave her side, no matter where we land, because I know that we will always be there for one another."
I don't think I've ever written something so heartrendingly sweet and honest about anyone, ever, except maybe one of my family members. All the "big loves" in my life don't even come close, y'all, to the love I have for this girl. She is honestly my everything. Living in different parts of the world is going to be hard, sure, but it won't keep me from continuing to be her everything. I realize that I've never written about her, and I feel terrible about that now because I should have. It's taken her moving away from me to notice just how much I need her in my life. I may be really bad at staying in touch with people who've moved away, but not this time. Not this person. I love her way too damn much, and whether she likes it or not, she's got a very, very dedicated best friend for the rest of her life. I mean, I'm to the point where I don't even know if I need to be in love anymore because being her best friend and roommate for the past couple of years really was enough. And there was I, scrambling and scraping and fighting for some person to just be relevant with.
And she was there, all along.
Diana is, ultimately, the love story I've never told. I love writing about love, and I love writing about my experiences in it, but I truly have taken my best friend for granted. I didn't appreciate her enough while she was here, and I've only noticed it now because she's gone. And that sucks! But all I can really do now is try to do better in the future, and that's exactly what I intend to do.
She will never doubt my love for her ever again.
And the reason I've had an unceasing smile on my face all day isn't because I've suddenly gained some ethereal acceptance for her leaving. I'm still really sad about it, and I'm still probably going to cry myself to sleep tonight. I've been smiling all day, though, because I'm truly excited for what's coming. This may be a separation period for me that I really, truly need. I don't mean to say that I needed to be separated from my best friend because that's bullshit. I have the feeling that I'm not going to know how to really even survive at first without her. There's going to be a huge learning curve, if you know what I mean. But I am excited. I am excited to see what I do with this time and what all I can get done. How well will I treasure my alone time? What will I make of it? How many beautiful things do I get to create and, more importantly finish, now that I'm being forced to spend more time alone? The opportunities are endless, and I'm beginning to feel the shiny, new feeling that comes with change. That squeaky clean, ephemeral, intoxicating air of possibility is practically choking me at the moment, and so I can't be sad. I can only be excited.
I've always said that I could handle dating someone that wasn't necessarily always around. I have always said this, based on my own experience. My first real relationship began to feel like a marriage way too fast, what with the living together and co-raising our very first cat? It was stifling, and it's scared me away from really huge commitments ever since. I've been of the opinion ever since that love doesn't have to exist day-to-day. Sometimes love is more precious when it's been away a while. Sometimes it makes those few moments that we're allowed fill up an entire lifetime because, well, it's all we've got.
And sometimes it brings us closer, and makes us appreciate those special people in our lives even more than we ever did before. When I cried the whole way back, when I heaved with sadness and saw my very beautiful, warm and re-assuring world start to fall apart around me, it was unsettling. It left me feeling alone, displaced, embarrassed, and incredibly sad. And yes, I let myself dwell there the entire day. I soaked in that sadness like my favorite bubble bath. I wrapped myself up in it and I kissed it goodnight, and I have a new resolve now: to love. I'm going to love now, harder than I've ever loved before. I don't mean this in a romantic or platonic sense; I mean that I will love everyone and every little thing about my life that brings me joy, no matter how near or far those people or things will be from me.
They will know that they are loved.
My best friend moved to New York City. Now, I know what you're thinking.
Why are you upset about that? You can go visit her whenever you choose.
You have a place to stay.
In New York.
Why you mad, tho?
I know, I know. It's so true; it's what I've been telling myself for a few months now. I've been convincing myself that it's fine, I'm fine, and trust me! I was very, very close to believing it. Until I dropped her off at the goddamn airport. I don't know what exactly changed in that moment in time, but I'm pretty sure it was just my life. Ya know. No big deal. Watching her go through TSA where I couldn't walk by her side any longer broke my fucking heart. I stayed strong, though, and I did not cry. Not in front of her, that is. Not until I started to walk away. I mean, it was almost instant. Tears began to sting my eyes, and I threw my sunglasses back onto my face and proceeded to walk at a really, really brisk pace because I hate crying in public. Once I made it to my car, I started to heave. It was like sadness was just welling up inside of me, ready to explode through the never-ending stream of tears falling from my eyes. I couldn't stop, and I was so glad in that moment that I had to pay for parking using a credit card because interacting with an actual person at that moment? Was just out of the question. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't even handle the truck to the right of me that didn't understand why it was taking me so long to leave. I couldn't handle the sunlight, I couldn't handle the traffic. I pulled off onto Veterans Boulevard and did the only thing I could think to do.
I went to our apartment.
The tears were hitting me hard on the drive over, actually, and some kids saw me in a neighboring car and asked me if I was okay. It was touching, but all I could do was wave my hands in protest and put my shades back on. Oh yeah, and at the airport? Literally RIGHT before my best friend went to TSA, a woman asked me if I was traveling that day. I looked at her like she was crazy. My hair was in a bun on top of my head, and though I was dressed for work (nice blouse, nice pants), I did not look travel-ready at all. I had no luggage, and I don't know, even this simple question seemed to completely disarm me. I knew the tears were coming, but I didn't want them there just yet. I was dressed in yellow in order to maintain the aura of sunshine that I have always been in my best friend's life. The strange lady asked me what kind of material my shirt was made out of. I responded with "...polyester. I'm actually seeing someone off."
Famous last words, I guess.
So I went to our soon-to-be old apartment. God only knows why I went there, knowing full well that there was literally nothing to see. There actually isn't, though. I mean, I have things to pack up, still. They're mostly just things that were left over by the two of us that need to be thrown away, but it was pretty damn empty, otherwise. I kept thinking of that Yellowcard song, "Empty Apartment," and I cried some more. And I took out the trash. And I pulled things out of the fridge and took out some more trash. And then I cried some more. The tears were unlike anything I'd ever experienced. It was almost a panic attack, of sorts, of which I've had about three this year. The first one I had concerned my overwhelmingly persistent single-ness, the second had to do with my owing so many taxes, but this one... This was different. This was a different kind of sadness, altogether.
I've had my heart broken many times. This was worse than that. To say that I feel utterly displaced is an understatement, and I have no one to blame but myself. I've always had friends. I've always had what I consider to be a "best" friend. I've never had this best friend, though. I think her leaving has maybe made her aware of just how special of a person she is, but if not, I'd like to let her know. And I plan to. I plan to speak to her every day; I'm going to bug her in some type of way and blow up her phone. I haven't written any songs or poems about her just yet, but wait. They're coming. Yes, I've always had close friends that have been very, very dear to me, and they've always gotten me through the darkness that is life sometimes, but Diana is very different. Ever since we met, we had this soul connection. We liked a LOT of the same things, watched a lot of the same movies, and we had the same appreciation, nay reverence, for them. She truly is like family to me. To love her is not a choice, it's just in me. I've never met someone else that loves obsessing over royalty and the history of bloodlines like me. I've never met someone else that wanted so badly to travel the world, most especially parts of Europe that contain precious, historical moments. I've never met someone else that practically worships actors and actresses the same way I do, or is as unapologetic as me about their many eclectic tastes in just about everything. Basically, we've just always loved and accepted each other for who we are, no questions asked! And that is why she is so invaluable to me.
I wrote this while on the beach with her the other day, and I'd like to share it now. So here goes. Here's how I really feel about my best friend because I was super in my feelings:
"I have given my time to so many unworthy people in this world, but she has never been one of them. Every moment we share is precious and golden, and I can't say that about many others, in fact... every day, every morning, every night, every minute and every second have been special and meaningful. They've sustained me in my many moments of doubt and unfathomable pain. Never have we ever been unaware of the love we share for one another, and I for one have never been so grateful for another single human being. Not ever. Not even in romantic love because, at the end of the day, this is the relationship that stands. It's outlasted them all. It stands and it withstands everything, no matter how tough. I never have to wonder about whether or not someone loves me because I know that she does. She is my favorite human, my best friend, my special person, and my family of choice. I will never leave her side, no matter where we land, because I know that we will always be there for one another."
I don't think I've ever written something so heartrendingly sweet and honest about anyone, ever, except maybe one of my family members. All the "big loves" in my life don't even come close, y'all, to the love I have for this girl. She is honestly my everything. Living in different parts of the world is going to be hard, sure, but it won't keep me from continuing to be her everything. I realize that I've never written about her, and I feel terrible about that now because I should have. It's taken her moving away from me to notice just how much I need her in my life. I may be really bad at staying in touch with people who've moved away, but not this time. Not this person. I love her way too damn much, and whether she likes it or not, she's got a very, very dedicated best friend for the rest of her life. I mean, I'm to the point where I don't even know if I need to be in love anymore because being her best friend and roommate for the past couple of years really was enough. And there was I, scrambling and scraping and fighting for some person to just be relevant with.
And she was there, all along.
Diana is, ultimately, the love story I've never told. I love writing about love, and I love writing about my experiences in it, but I truly have taken my best friend for granted. I didn't appreciate her enough while she was here, and I've only noticed it now because she's gone. And that sucks! But all I can really do now is try to do better in the future, and that's exactly what I intend to do.
She will never doubt my love for her ever again.
And the reason I've had an unceasing smile on my face all day isn't because I've suddenly gained some ethereal acceptance for her leaving. I'm still really sad about it, and I'm still probably going to cry myself to sleep tonight. I've been smiling all day, though, because I'm truly excited for what's coming. This may be a separation period for me that I really, truly need. I don't mean to say that I needed to be separated from my best friend because that's bullshit. I have the feeling that I'm not going to know how to really even survive at first without her. There's going to be a huge learning curve, if you know what I mean. But I am excited. I am excited to see what I do with this time and what all I can get done. How well will I treasure my alone time? What will I make of it? How many beautiful things do I get to create and, more importantly finish, now that I'm being forced to spend more time alone? The opportunities are endless, and I'm beginning to feel the shiny, new feeling that comes with change. That squeaky clean, ephemeral, intoxicating air of possibility is practically choking me at the moment, and so I can't be sad. I can only be excited.
I've always said that I could handle dating someone that wasn't necessarily always around. I have always said this, based on my own experience. My first real relationship began to feel like a marriage way too fast, what with the living together and co-raising our very first cat? It was stifling, and it's scared me away from really huge commitments ever since. I've been of the opinion ever since that love doesn't have to exist day-to-day. Sometimes love is more precious when it's been away a while. Sometimes it makes those few moments that we're allowed fill up an entire lifetime because, well, it's all we've got.
And sometimes it brings us closer, and makes us appreciate those special people in our lives even more than we ever did before. When I cried the whole way back, when I heaved with sadness and saw my very beautiful, warm and re-assuring world start to fall apart around me, it was unsettling. It left me feeling alone, displaced, embarrassed, and incredibly sad. And yes, I let myself dwell there the entire day. I soaked in that sadness like my favorite bubble bath. I wrapped myself up in it and I kissed it goodnight, and I have a new resolve now: to love. I'm going to love now, harder than I've ever loved before. I don't mean this in a romantic or platonic sense; I mean that I will love everyone and every little thing about my life that brings me joy, no matter how near or far those people or things will be from me.
They will know that they are loved.
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